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The journey continues... 22.01.02 - 09:14

Whyso? Auslšnder.

That was rather direct... French Google hit: Tasogare. Bon jour.

"When you're in the Outlands, you're never an outsider."

Auslšnder (German): foreigner, outsider; literally, outlander.

There was an RPG club called the Outlands Gaming Company, that I was in a long time ago. The quote was their motto... but nothing, nothing, could've been farther from the truth. I was an outlander. Why? I wasn't like them. See, what Outlands really was was a group of peeps that Malkiono hung out with, and I was an outsider to them. I didn't fit in to their "society."

It always happened that way, and still does... the problem is, as hard as it is for me to forge friendships, 'tis proven to be even more so to have friendships with "friends of friends." Y'know... those that I meet thru the friends that I do have.

It's because I am an outlander. Gaijin, if ya will. I don' have yer circle's sense of humour... I don' hvae yer circle's mannerisms, or musical tastes, or motivations. I don' know yer rules. I don' know.

I'm weird like that. I don' talk much. I don' like to laugh. I don' like bein' touched, or touchin' other peeps. I don' like bein' around huge, or even large, numbers of peeps. I don' like cons or other such social gatherin's (although I have three swords as a result of goin' to a couple.)

Y'know why?

I don' talk much, because I hate the sound of my own voice, an' because I don' wanna offend anyone, a too-frequent side effect of my havin' opinions.

I don' laugh, because it causes pain. Physical pain. I don' care if it's appropriate; get me goin' hard enough and you will hurt me. Right under my left-side spare ribs. Nah... right in the diaphragm around where my stomach is.

I don' like physical contact. Yeah, CALL me a sex fiend. Sex is my worst nightmare realised. I nearly jump outta my skin if my MOM taps me on the shoulder, an' she's s'posed to be the person I trust most in this world. And at the same time, I don' wanna touch another person. I'm afraid to, really. Because I don' know how they'll react, or what they'll feel like... whether they respond like me, or with anger... or if I'll hurt them by touching too hard, or if they accidentally or intentionally move into the contact...

Didja know a blind girl tried to kiss me once, just because I let 'er play SMB2? God, it freaked me out... not because she was blind, but because she attempted...

And I don' like large groups of peeps. It just enhances the feelin' in my mind, that I don' belong somewhere. Concerts with alcohol or drugs or mosh pits or "hold up the flockin' lighters" I don' do that sort of stuff. Cons with their respective subjects' hard-core otaku... too often, I'm just a casual "user" with somewhat limited knowledge. Why? To me, it doesn't matter trivial details of "who would win in a fight, a L20 berserker or a L20 monk?" or "Goku would TAKE Pikachu, Ash, AND Rage (a chara in DDR) with just 1% of his power level" or "There's no WAY an Excaliber series mecha could take Heavyarms"

YOU GET THE POINT. (by the way, Excaliber is a mecha type in Robotech; old-school Battletech players would know it better by the name Warhammer. Useless trivial detail that I DO know.)

Groups of friends do these things normally; when I don' wanna, I seem cold, distant, a party pooper... or I get dragged into them, and end up ruinin' it all for everyone because I ain't havin' fun. I freeze up around peeps... the more, the worse... until it's almost like it doesn't matter if I'm there or not, really, because I'm basically invisible when I am there.

-----

Ok, that rambled a bit too much.

Yeah, I understand myself quite well...

A chaotic introvert.

A restless wanderer on a journey to who knows where.

A ghost who haunts, or remains unseen.

The most harmless force of disruption and destruction you'll ever see.

And, as I'm reminded too often...

ich bin Auslšnder.

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