The journey continues... 05.09.01 - 21:32
Whyso? kokoro ni itami
i will not be censored.
Tasogare, the moment between light and dark, where both exist but neither alone, is a place where I throw my truths, my thoughts and experiences, to the possibility of the public eye.
Unto itself, the day is not truth, nor is the night. Only between them, only in the tasogare, is the truth.
There are those that want to dim the twilight in the shadows of ignorance, or to shine the light of scrutiny and censorship upon it.
I stand in the tasogare now. Between light and darkness, where one is past and one is future, in that fleeting present, with what I know, what I believe. It doesn't matter if the light or dark is the future. It doesn't matter.
That said.
I feel totally confused, completely threatened, and I don' know what to do. My chaotic nature is hurting people again... it's that part of me that I try so hard to control... the inner torment... that which causes me to be afraid to reach out in friendship... it hurts people because they can sense it... who wants a friend who's afraid of ya? Who wants a friend who needs you more than you think he does? Who wants a friend whom you need less than he thinks you do?
Who wants to pick up the Slice doll? Who, of the six billion people in the world, can pick up this doll, and not be scratched accidentally by my claws or spines? Who would hold this doll and be able to tell it that you won't throw it across the room, that you won't just put it up with the other dolls, or just toss it on the bed and forget about it?
Who?
That's why I am the wanderer. Apocalypse, kiddies. Y'know that in Greek, that simply means revelation? ::nodnod:: 'tis true. It's why I wander. To find people, not just one, but people who won't notice the "Made in ???" tag... won't think of me as the outlander, the gaijin, the one who doesn't belong...
But it's a curse. Spawned of that part of me that makes me afraid to believe in people, it's a curse. And people never see past that... they can sense that even if I don't wanna hurt them, that somehow I will. Adam calls it ignorance... but help me see! SHOW me! Don' kick me across the room first... it's exactly why I'm afraid of people... because I'm afraid of bein' hurt again, because I'm afraid of hurtin' people...
I want people to believe me... I want them to believe in me... no one can fight the demons alone... please help me... please don't destroy me because of what I don't want to be...
someone... please... help me be the person I should be... the person I truly want to be... please try to understand me, that I don't want to hurt you... all ya hafta do is help me find a way not to... please... I need someone...
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